Why Pay For a Funeral? Authentic, Engaging Content From a Recently-Deceased Influencer

You’re Not Dead, You’re Under New Management

Hi, guys! Wassup (or whatever your grandkids say these days)! U reddy? OK! One slammin’ biproduct of the Internet is you never die. Your pix, profiles, and posts last forever. Even Facebook and Twitter got killed but live on under aliases. Soon, you’ll be able to download the data from your brain then reanimate your bad, dead self. It’ll work for anybody you want too. Only better — you can turn them off any time you want!

That’s what imma talk about, y’old betches! (Is that the wrong place to use that? Sorry). Anyway, this will blow your compression socks off: Death is an antiquated social construct, not an eternal “closed” sign. That means it’s not as serious or important as it used to be so, guess what ? Not as valuable and, therefore, not as pricy! Trust me, I know because — I’M DEAD!

Thanks for the condolences but things have only gotten better since! I was 70 and had a semi-fabulous life until the driver of an F-350 speeding to a Trump rally hit me while I walked my Pommy, Dexter (thank God he wasn’t hurt). As I lay dying in the ambulance, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and, as I walked toward it (I hope that wasn’t one of my ex-wives standing there), I got an…