I Can’t Golf — Or Quit

The Time Finally Came For Me to Address the Ball — And Reality

Torture, humiliation, despair. Black hole of money, time, and natural resources. Environmental aberration, symbol of colonialism, discrimination, inequality, and the relentless arrogance, greed, and excesses of capitalism. And the only thing more boring than playing it is watching it on TV.

Golf is not a sport (noun; physical activity engaged in for pleasure).

But it is, oh, so many other splendid things.

It’s been 40 years since I took a dare from a friend during an afternoon of drinking, we went to a golf course, rented clubs, and played for the first time. We were pathetic, but ecstatic (I’m eternally grateful we didn’t go to a gun range). I quickly learned that golf is something you do while you walk, talk, drink beer, smoke cigars, and otherwise kill a day outdoors.

Golf is as much a sport as archery: 97% standing around, 2% aiming at a distant target, and 1% repeating the same, basic launching motion (except putting — see below). Fun fact: teeing up the ball and pulling it out of a hole are also the same motion, as are loading up an arrow and pulling it out of a hole. Curiously, archery doesn’t draw thousands of spectators or hours of TV coverage. Perhaps it reminds white people of all the…